"Transforming Difficult Relationships"
by Rev. Christine 2/16/03

I was asked recently to give a talk on healing difficult relationships. So today I am addressing the subject of transforming difficult relationships. A difficult person is basically someone that we don’t agree with or doesn’t agree with us – there is a difference in opinion in the way we view something.

All of us in our daily lives meet up with difficult people from time to time. We may find these people as demanding, hot tempered, unreasonable, selfish, unforgiving, self-centered, rude, contrary, controlling, aggressive, negative, worrier, insulting, critical, judgmental, jealous, poor me, or betrayal. Did I leave anything out?

We may meet this person on the road or in the parking lot, a sales person in a store or while waiting in line or at the check out stand, at a restaurant, or on the phone. Or, it could be our neighbor, family member, life partner, child, employer or boss, or a co-worker.

Regardless if it is a chance encounter, or an ongoing relationship we have to ask ourselves the question – "What part of us is going to show up?". Are we going to match the energy, by attacking back insult for insult. Grab the upper hand by force, yelling louder, or digging deep to push their button. We do have a choice in how we act or react.

I have had many opportunities to put to practice my beliefs in addressing difficult relationships. It started with a difficult sister, then a step-father, a mother-in-law, a manager, co-worker, a minister, another boss, now a neighbor. Many faces, but each seemed to have something in common – aggressive, controlling, demeaning, and I feared their anger, disapproval and their power over me.

In my years of experience, I finally realized that until I got over it – what ever it is that pushes my buttons – that I would continue to meet this experience regardless on the face it wore. It was me that was going to have to change. These difficult people are my teachers, they are my angels here to help me to love – even the least of them – even myself.

Jesus, taught for us to "love our neighbor as our self." I spoke on the subject "To Love Your Self" a couple of weeks ago. This is really the core of it, that we must first love our self, and I’m not talking about the ego, our outer mask, but the truth of our being – The God Presence – The Christ Within us.

For all love is of God, and God shines this love on everyone equally. Although, we may be so encased in our fears and beliefs in separation that we don’t feel the Presence of God’s love that is within us and all around us. Instead we experience fear back from our world. And, we may find ourselves being that overly aggressive rude customer, or intolerant parent, or unforgiving partner or child.

The other day, I met an ugly part of me that came out when I was feeling put upon. It all began because I said "yes", to a request by my daughter to take my granddaughter to the hair dresser by 3pm to get her hair cut. My granddaughter wanted to be picked up by 2:30pm to make sure she had plenty of time. She expressed to me that the hairdresser gets really upset when your late. Also, that if she missed this appointment that it would be two months before there was another opening.

So I said yes, when I knew that I had my own plans for the day. So the tension mounted. I had been waiting for the car parts to come in to finish the work on the car. My physical therapy appointment started a few minutes late and ended a few minutes late. I called the automotive place to see if the parts came in, and after 10 minutes of them searching into it they came back to the phone "yes the parts are in." So I asked if I could get my car in and out by 2pm. It was going on 12 o’clock. They said it would be tight, but bring it in.

I made the choice to take my chance to get it done. I really wanted this over with. I had been spending many of my afternoons waiting while my car was being repaired – this was the last thing to be done. So I arrived at 12:30pm, several other people waiting in line before me, and the garage looked full. I was finally being served, and when I mentioned that I needed it back by 2 or latest 2:30pm, it would now take 3 hours at least to complete.

I began to make my appeal, that I had called in, that I had been here every week for several weeks waiting hours at a time, and spending lots of money. The sales person just said, come back tomorrow. Tomorrow wouldn’t do because I was coming back to San Jose, so it was going to have to wait until the end of the week.

I could see that this just wasn’t going to make a difference – so I left in utter frustration. I had wasted my time rushing over to try and make it happen. I felt powerless, and angry with myself because I had made a commitment that got in the way of what I really wanted to get done. So now I had a choice, to raise it up to God, or go pick up my granddaughter and take it out on her too.

Thank goodness, I chose to lift it up, and I began to laugh at myself for allowing such a silly thing to allow me to get so upset. I made the choices to try and cram everything into a single afternoon, and it simply didn’t work. There was no one to blame but myself. So I forgave myself. If I hadn’t, I probably would have met up with a very grumpy or rude teenager. I would have met my own energy reflected back through my grandchild. Instead my grandchild was very thankful that I picked her up on time, and she loved her new hairdo.

That was Monday, on Thursday I went back to the auto shop, again after my physical therapy appointment. This time it was practically empty. The sales person remembered me being there the other day, and was sorry that they just couldn’t meet my time frame. They took it right in, and it was done in 1 ½ hours. I couldn’t believe how fast they got it done – the time just flew by. My daughter now has the car back with a new lease on life.

I was reading in the book by Mary Manin Morrissey, "No Less Than Greatness; Finding perfect love in imperfect relationships", a story about her own experience in dealing with a airline employee at the ticket counter at the gate. She had called in to the airline and changed her ticket so that she could see her family for one day before taking off again. They told her to just go direct to the gate, and it would be taken care of. When she got to the gate, they told her that they couldn’t handle it, and would have to go back to the ticket counter which was across the airport.

Mary tried to reason with them, but the clerk insisted that she must have misunderstood. She lost her temper. And, then she heard "Mary? Mary Morrissey? The minister from Living Enrichment Center?" Mary replied, "It depends. How long have you been listening to me? I’m not sure it is me."

With a face the color of an overripe chili pepper, Mary hiked back to the ticket counter, waited behind a long line, and missed her flight.

The situation had turned her into a two-year-old. She wanted things her way or no way. Did she have a right to feel upset? Absolutely. But as is so often the case with relationships, being right doesn’t really matter. Being right isn’t worth diminishing our self. Being right doesn’t have anything to do with practicing perfect love. When we walk away from an angry encounter, the one we walk away with is our self. And the anger stays with guess who? Our self.

We don’t have to let circumstances determine our behavior. Instead, they can offer an opportunity for us to grow spiritually. When challenged, we’re offered a choice: We can react to the moment by automatically responding negatively to negativity, trying to pull ourselves up by bringing someone else down. Or, we can partner with God to do something better by finding and drawing from the Divine Presence within ourselves.

I have found that compassion is the key to understanding, forgiving and releasing. I try to feel what the other person must be feeling – even if that person did a dirty rotten thing – they must have done it out of fear – fear of not being good enough, fear of rejection, fear of loss, or pain and suffering.

Back in 1985, my mother-in-law, was very ill and making her transition. We never had a close relationship – I wasn’t the person she wanted her son to be married too. Our marriage ended, and she fixed him up with her next door neighbors daughter, whom he was married too and separated from. Our marriage ended 18 years earlier, but I kept a relationship for my children. She was very close to my daughter. My daughter was living out of state at the time, and couldn’t be there, and so I offered to serve her grandmother in her name.

This was such a transforming experience for me. To be there as my daughter would be. I served from my heart, being fully present in the here and now. My mother-in-law was in so much pain, this was before hospice. I stayed with her in the hospital day and night, monitoring her medicine and pain level to keep her comfortable. The other family members were quite rude to me and couldn’t understand why I was there at all after all these years.

After a couple of days, friends came to see her, and she introduced me as her daughter. I truly was in her eyes serving as her daughter, and she told me she loved me, and I her. The love I felt for my daughter I was able to transfer and truly give to my mother-in-law. We were both lifted up, and healed in very deep rewarding ways. All the old junk was gone – it was now about love. Our relationship was complete when she made her transition a few days later. My daughter flew in time to be there with her too.

When we hold on to past wrongs, betrayal, and such, all we are doing is keeping a wall up, blocking the activity of love in us. This difficult relationship is keeping us separated from God. It is keeping love away from our experience. Is there anything that anyone could do to me, that is worth being separated in mind and heart from my source of life itself, from love, and from God?

I have the choice to heal those buttons that get pushed, to forgive, and to release – and if it seems too difficult on my own, I don’t have to do on my own – I can lift it to God. I can ask God to work through me, and ask "How can I see this differently? How can I bring love and compassion to this person and situation?" When we sincerely ask from our heart, the answer always comes, the right words or actions come forth to heal – to bring into right relationship.

And, the greatest gift is what we give to our self – love. The opportunity to bring love in to our lives and the lives of others. These difficult relationships can become our best friends – they certain are our best teachers.